Embody Through Making

This is a video narrative recalling my inner monologue in my childhood when facing uncomfortable situation.

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When I was a kid, I had short hair because I was on the swimming team. Sometimes people living in the same neighborhood would be super surprised when my mom tells them I'm a girl, not a boy. I don't like that, but I didn't say anything because I was timid. I left my embarrassment and anger in my head; it sounds like: "他们什么时候走(when would they leave)" "我不想呆在这里(I don't wanna stay here)" "他们不懂 (They understand nothing)". Ten years later, I went to the US to attend college. I found the little kid speaking mandarin is ever-present in my head when I have to deal with uncomfortable situations. When I forgot what to say in the middle of a presentation, when I messed up my job interview, she jumped into my head and said: 怎么办怎么办 (what can I do now), 救命啊 (Somebody come and save me!). However, when I do silent reading, daily conversations, and networking, a more mature and rational voice speaking English would appear in my mind. This voice would help me understand my readings and stay organized by saying phrases like "intersectional feminism" and "challenging the binary system". Sometimes it gives me some short encouragement like "be confident", "you got it"!